Who is the College Answer Guy? This now out-of-date article explains it all. Ms. Murphy is working on a follow-up piece, which I will post soon.
Who Is the College Answer Guy?
By Katy P. Murphy
Semi-authorized College Answer Guy biographer
You read his delightful columns in online and print forums. You thrill to his helpful and succinct advice. You salivate at the prospect of learning more about the man called “a creepy looking tramp-type person” by a focus group of newspaper readers.
But do you really know the College Answer Guy (known to some as Mr. College Answer Person)? Do you know how old he is, what his hobbies are or why he always wears sunglasses? I didn’t think so.
In the five years I’ve spent researching and writing: Answer Guy: The Complete Story of The College Answer Guy, I’ve come to know the man and his world. This article, commissioned by the answer guy himself, is meant to answer some of those questions — and promote my book.
The limitations
The College Answer Guy actually wouldn’t tell me his age, his hobbies, or why he always wears sunglasses. I tried to trace his background, but many of his personal records are missing.
Indeed, huge blank areas gape in the life of the answer guy. These black holes will become apparent in the sections that follow. But rest assured, gently dear readers, I gathered all information possible. (Buy my book to learn every fascinating tidbit! Just a sample: The College Answer Guy’s favorite ice cream flavor is pistachio!)
Where he is now
The answer guy lives in a basement apartment in Needles, California. It’s not his permanent residence — although it seems likely he has no permanent residence. Records indicated that, during the past year, Mr. College Answer Person has lived in:
A heavily fortified bunker compound in Colorado,
The tropical island of Laguna,
A luxury suite in Atlantic City,
The mean streets of Beverly Hills,
An orbiting space station and
A gutter somewhere.
His history
In preparation for my book (available now in all major bookstores!), I conducted many hours of penetrating interviews with the College Answer Guy. The following excerpt is the most he would reveal about his early years.
Katy: Tell me about your childhood.
The College Answer Guy: The College Answer Guy doesn’t care to speak of his life in a forum such as this. He far prefers to relate pertinent autobiographical information details in selected columns.
K: But surely you have something to say about your life that would enlighten your thousands upon thousands of adoring fans.
TCAG: The nuns were a great help to the College Answer Guy in his high school years. But that is all he will say. Begone, foul wench! Torment him no further with your pestering queries!
Unfortunately, my attempt to connect the College Answer Guy with nuns did not yield concrete results. I spoke with instructors at Catholic school in suburban Detroit who said they recalled a student with the annoying habit of constantly referring to himself in the third person. They could not confirm that the student was the College Answer Guy, however.
The column
Five years ago, the College Answer Guy’s column burst onto the world stage. It had a rough time. Originally distributed as a photocopied flier in small Kansas towns without colleges, the column had difficulty finding an audience. The answer guy refused to give up. He offered the column to the student newspaper at the University of Kansas. He was turned down and thrown out of the newspaper office.
Two years later, the answer person returned. He had spent the time polishing his writing skills, and selling columns for food on the streets of Minneapolis. The University Daily Kansan accepted the answer guy’s labor of love. Other student newspapers throughout the country picked up the column, and the saga began in earnest. The College Answer Person now has an estimated audience of 865,923.5 readers and a bank account with dozens of dollars in it.
The authorship question
A problematic aspect of the College Answer Person’s career is his connection with Daily Kansan staff member Clay McCuistion. The answer guy’s first columns appeared under McCuistion’s byline.
The College Answer Guy refused to address these questions in detail, denying that he knew McCuistion. When I spoke with McCuistion, he told a different tale.
Katy: How do you know the College Answer Guy?
McCuistion: I made him up. He was basically ripped off from Dave Barry’s Mr. Grammar Person character. That, and some Hunter S. Thompson.
K: Oh come now, Clay. The College Answer Guy has been writing for years and has helped multitudes. Do you expect me to believe you somehow created him out of whole cloth? Don’t be absurd!
M: But I did. I started writing the column in January of 2001. I thought it was a funny idea.
K: This interview is over, Clay. You are obviously megalomaniacal and delusional to boot.
An example for our times
The enigma that is the College Answer Guy remains. Dull-witted students claim credit for his sterling advice. Critics accuse him of creating the very questions he answers. So-called “authors” Dave Barry and Hunter S. Thompson rail against him for stealing their shtick. But he strides ever onward, dispensing freely and fearlessly his words of wisdom.
Why? Because he wants to help. The College Answer Guy puts it best: “College students live in turbulent times. People judge them unfairly. Furniture stores sell them overpriced merchandise. They deserve an advocate. They deserve a person who can offer them counsel and succor when the rest of the world claws at their toes and leaves bleeding gashes in their legs. They deserve a person who can sell them lounge chairs at cheap prices. They deserve a person who can weave together lengthy sentences that seem meaningful but are in fact conglomerations of utter nonsense.
“The College Answer Guy that person. Hallelujah!”
Katy P. Murphy’s book about the College Answer Guy is available now from major bookstores, minor bookstores and that guy you just passed on the street. Go back to him now. Ask for the book. He has it, I’m sure. Demand it. Take it from him now!