In your general direction

Why do I find this sentence so funny?

" 'Idiots!' rioters yelled at the ducking, crouching French."

Partial inventory

Things on my half-table (by this computer).

A stack of Imation CD-Rs. "Customize any mix of digital music, photos, video and more," it tells me.

A He-Man toy. Complete with battle axe, shield and sword.

An insulin needle and two bottles of insulin.

A box of floppy discs.

Two black pens.

A checkbook.

Three envelopes.

An ID badge for my place of employment.

Spanner in the works

The blog-publishing thingey widget was down last night. Thus I wasn't able to post abundant words of wisdom.

Plus, the archive is fouled up somehow. Things are going just peachy. Grrr.

Anyway.

Have The Sims Online, so have experienced vast digital happiness doing that. Now, the pit that is this apartment calls. Argh.

Abracadabra

The S.O.: "I have magical powers."

Me: "What kind?"

Him: "I don't know. (Pause) Everyone has magical powers. They just don't realize it."

Time to read

The New York Times Magazine had a great piece about our country's president here.

Regardless of your feelings about Mr. Bush, it makes for thought-provoking reading.

By way of explanation

So what did that file I randomly selected mean?

I'm glad you asked. The file contained notes I was writing for a mix tape I made for a coworker about five years ago. The tape would contain music by the Beach Boys and their co-founder and principal songwriter, Brian Wilson. As my coworker (we were cooks at a KFC, if you're curious) knew little about Mr. Wilson or the band's music, I thought it prudent to write him a guide.

The work was never finished, as the file shows. But it was fun to try.

Goin' to the beach

Experiment in randomness.

I have a large number of floppy disks floating around the living room now. They contain backup files, which will eventually be transferred to the computer on which I'm typing this self-referential message.

I've selected one at random. I will now post a file from it, also totally at random. I take no responsiblity for the laws of chance.

Here it is.

Your Imagination
(Brian Wilson / Joe Thomas / S. R. Dahl)
From Imagination, 1998

Produced and arranged by Brian Wilson and Joe Thomas
Brian Wilson: All lead and backing vocals, Hammond B-3 Organ
Joe Thomas: Keyboards, Tympani

The opening track of Brian Wilson’s solo album of this year, and likewise the opening track of this cassette. Listen for the clarinet and trumpet parts, and some interesting drum and bass patterns. Very definitely a “Beach Boys”-sounding track, and none the worse for it, at that. Most impressive are Brian’s multi-tracked harmonies, soaring into falsetto and descending into bass with ease. The S. R. Dahl in the credits is a Chicago radio host, longtime friend of co-producer Joe Thomas.


Our Prayer
(Brian Wilson)
From Smile [Unreleased], 1967

Produced and arranged by Brian Wilson
The Beach Boys: Vocals

This wordless a cappella “hymn” was open the legendary unreleased Smile album. (Or such Brian states in session tapes—it’s the closest thing to an authoritative statement around). Breathtaking in complexity and emotional feeling—and it shows that the Boys could really sing. It was later spruced up with some additional vocal parts for 20/20, a ’69 BB release. The version presented here is without those (non-Brian-supervised) overdubs.


Lana
(Brian Wilson)
From Surfin’ USA, 1963

Produced and arranged by Brian Wilson
Brian Wilson: Lead vocal, piano, bass
The Beach Boys: Backing Vocals

Back to the very beginning. Almost. “Lana” dates from the very second Beach Boys LP and is notable for several reasons. It’s one of the first Brian Wilson falsetto lead vocals, and shows him beginning to expand his scope as an arranger—with a piano (rather than guitar) based sound, and some distant horn parts. It’s also notable in that it doesn’t mention surfing—anywhere.


The Girls on the Beach
(Brian Wilson)
From All Summer Long, 1964

Produced and arranged by Brian Wilson
The Beach Boys: Vocals
Dennis Wilson: Lead vocal on bridge

One year after “Lana” in strict chronological terms, but an eternity removed in terms of complexity and richness. The song itself is similar to “Surfer Girl,” but with several layers of compositional and production sophistication added. The song changes keys with virtually every note, and the group vocals are spot on. Also interesting is the strong melodic resemblance to “When You Wish Upon A Star.” (I’m not kidding!)


Bicycle Rider
(Brian Wilson)
From Smile [Unreleased], 1967

TM Song
(Brian Wilson)
From 15 Big Ones, 1976

Here Comes the Night
(Brian Wilson / Mike Love)
From Wild Honey, 1967

Everything I Need
(Brian Wilson / Tony Asher)
From The Wilsons, 1997

I Just Wasn’t Made for These Times
(Brian Wilson / Tony Asher)
From Pet Sounds, 1966

Don’t Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder) [Piano demo]
(Brian Wilson / Tony Asher)
From The Pet Sounds Sessions, compiled 1996

Funky Pretty
(Brian Wilson / Mike Love / Jack Rieley)
From Holland, 1973

Don’t Back Down
(Brian Wilson)
From All Summer Long, 1964

Male Ego
(Brian Wilson / Mike Love / Eugene Landy
From The Beach Boys, 1985

Barnyard
(Brian Wilson)
From Smile [Unreleased], 1967

Life is For the Living
(Brian Wilson)
From Adult Child [Unreleased], 1977

He Couldn’t Get His Poor Old Body to Move
(Brian Wilson / Lindsey Buckingham / Eugene Landy)
B-Side of “Love and Mercy” single, 1988

’Til I Die [Extended version]
(Brian Wilson)
Original version from Surf’s Up, 1971

The specs

The new computer is a Compaq Presario. After rebates, it should run me about $600. Not bad for a relatively serious piece of hardware. 60 gig hard drive. Lots of RAM and memory. And it can burn CDs. What more can you want?

Well, Microsoft Word. But you can't have everything, I guess.

Celebrate good times

The new computer is here.

Yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaawwwwww!

Question and answer

The College Answer Guy drops by.

Dear College Answer Guy: I am full of turbulent questions about my existence. How can I resolve them and move on with my life?
~ Tony the Turbulent Questioner

Dear Tony: You will be thrilled to discover the College Answer Guy has prepared a list of answers to the 10 most asked turbulent questions you speak of. Since you didn't specify any of those questions, neither will the College Answer Guy.

1.) Yes.
2.) We will never know.
3.) It's doubtful.
4.) No, you shouldn't have said that. It was rude.
5.) Yes, you are. Don't ask me that again.
6.) I told you, we'll never know. Don't ask that question again either.
7.) Blue
8.) You should not wear polka dots and stripes together.
9.) Whuzzat?
10.) Definitely cats.

Get all that? Good.

Terrific tarot

The boyfriend and myself are working on some of the deck of "Alphabet Tarot" cards we've been creating. This project is over a year old at this point, but we keep plugging away.

The concept: One goes through a dictionary at random and picks out two words for every letter of the alphabet. You then illustrate those words on index cards. Then, once one has a completed deck, you can use them to amuse your friends or, if you're in a pinch, tell fortunes.

It's a silly project, but one we've enjoyed. We've both put a lot of time and love into it. Once we complete the entire deck, perhaps we'll post it on the web somewhere.

Search notes

Visited some apartment homes around Tampa today. Didn't go in them, but instead scouted out neighborhoods. Seems as though there are a couple of prime areas -- but the complex of my dreams has yet to jump out at me.

I understand now why few people live in true downtown Tampa. (That is, the few blocks around the really tall buildings that define the "downtown.") It's because there's nothing there. Rundown businesses, homeless people, etc. Not that I have anything against those things, but I can experience them in far busier and more exciting places.

Such as this very neighborhood in St. Pete, for instance.

On the lookout

Apartment searching now.

The move wont happen until early March at least, but I'm looking on the Web at various places in Tampa.

It's difficult to decide...do I want something near where I'm working? Do I want something farther away but possibly nicer? Do I need to sell an organ to be able to pay the deposit?

All very frustrating questions.

Remembrance

A couple of poems inspired by my grandfather.

Dance

The rituals we enact,
The gathering at the borders of white linen sheets
As the God dies
Are such calming dances,
Making our minds
Smooth as the water after ripples
From a thrown rock
Subside.

Fishing

The boat rocked,
Green slime
Covering the sides.

He fixed the tackle on my line
And I stood to cast,
Felt the whir of the clear plastic line
Sailing out, beyond the old man, my brother and myself

Past the old man crumbling
Past my brother packing up
Past me coming to this town,
Past the cities in the distance, ahead

And falling
Into a pool,
So calm,
So green/blue/transparent
Far from noise
And dusty smells.

Fresh tech

Have ordered a new computer from Best Buy. It should arrive in four or five days. Then...well, who can say.

It will be exciting.

After spending much of the time in Kansas adding entry after entry, I've been using my time here in Florida for job preparations and other such matters.

However, I'm coming back. To prove it: A poem. This was written as I traveled back to Tampa from Wichita. It deals with some issues that other might find kind of gross.

I think that's what interests me about them,

Passengers

The man sits
Inside the cramped airplane seat.
He spits into a plastic cup
He covers with his jacket.
Drops of brown
Spot his lips.

Across the aisle
A man with silver hair
Holds a paper napkin to his mouth.
He closes his eyes,
Rocks back and forth.
Soft gurgles come
From behind the napkin.

Signs of death surround me

On this flight,
Bodies dry
Into husks.
They rattle
In the seats
Like sand
On a snare drum.

The vessels overflow
With the watery residue of men.

Tribune begins

First day at the other Tampa Bay area newspaper. It was a lengthy and over-detailed orientation session -- so pretty easy, all told.

More such stuff tomorrow. I can hardly wait. I will learn about the mysteries of "e-mail" and "computers." I will be shown such strange places as the "cafeteria" and the "supply room."

On Wednesday, I might actually see copy.

Catching the breath

Back in sweet home Florida.

Watching Saturday Night Live with host Jeff Gordon. A surprisingly tight show.

Since returning, have watched:

All About My Mother
Adaptation
Elizabeth
Two episodes of 24.

Whew.

Will probably get to a third hour of 24 tonight. And work comes roaring to life on Monday.

Back to the show now.

Trip-a-riffic

Final full day in Kansas for this trip.

Watched Catch Me If You Can this evening in Wichita. Decent flick, with some sharp performances.

Am attempting to pack. Nearly as exciting as attempting to file.

I'll have to be up at 8-ish yesterday. Yay! Will fly through Atlanta, en route to Tampa.

More info when I'm back.

Early paper

The old head is tired this evening.

However, before I shuffle off to less-tiring pursuits, I'll presents some highlights from the El Dorado High School Crier. The issue in question comes from November 28, 1994 -- roughly 8 years ago.

I was a staff writer and cartoonist at the time, focusing my energy on the editorial pages. I'll take a look at the rest of the paper as well.

Front page

"Powder puff football turns out to be a big success," is the top headline. "Boys aren't the only ones who can have fun playing football," writes news editor Roshni Patel. "Four teams of El Dorado High School girls showed that they also can have fun scoring touchdowns and making interceptions."

Underneath a picture of Nikki Smith and Kendra Fowler playing said game, staff writer George Rothwell tells about a new scheduling plan that could soon be adopted. "Block scheduling is an eight-period program that could be implemented next year, according to Ken Petz, El Dorado High School Principal," Rothwell writes.

Editorial pages (2-3)

Along with three cartoons by yours truly, the editorial section featured opinions about random drug testing, "petty labels and stereotypes," Thanksgiving, and advisee periods.

I write a column, titled: "New highway coming to El Dorado, positive influence of Wichita business doubted."

"Even if you despise El Dorado and can't wait to get out of the city," a younger, much stupider me writes, "I don't think a single person here would want to put up with the criminal, urban-decay ravaged nature of much of Wichita." Mmm-hmm.

Features pages (4-5)

Besides a story about the school musical (Guys and Dolls, of course), what catches my attention is a movie review by Scottie B. and Stephanie M. "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective a must see for all," is the headline. "We both agree that while this movie is pretty stupid, it is a must see," the authors write.

Sports pages (6-7)

Who really gives a rip about sports?

Some random ads on the back of the paper round out this issue. This was the first semester I worked on the Crier, and it shows. The column I wrote was uninformed and ridiculous to anyone with the slightest knowledge of Wichita (I didn't have much). But that's high school for you.

Thrills continue

Ah, the excitement of filing. Some of the highlights:

Old, overwrought poems
Movie ticket stubs
Airplane ticket stubs
Concert ticket stubs
Cartoon sketches
Outdated bills
Brochures for places I went to years ago

Quick now, it's an update

Am working on filing papers. A thrilling job, as you may expect.

Something more

One gift I received on this trip back to Kansas was unexpectedly moving.

I received my late grandfather's black leather jacket and a pair of matching gloves. I'm the only one in the family who can wear it -- he was 6 foot 4 and I'm 6 foot 1. Everyone else in the family is shorter and thinner.

It was his coat in the last few years of his life. I remember watching him put it on, and thinking it was a pretty cool coat for an older guy. It reminds me of a pilot's jacket, which was probably intentional. My grandfather trained to be a parachutist in World War II.

But now the jacket comes to me. I'll think of him whenever I wear it.

Watched out

Family film viewing notes for the day.

Mother and sister enjoyed Back to the Future DVD.

Sister couldn't stand The Young Ones.

I watched some of the "work-in-progress" version of Beauty and the Beast that comes on the Disney special edition DVD of the film.

More Giants

A week or two ago, I wrote about the first half of the first disk of Dial-A-Song -- the two-disk retrospective of They Might Be Giants. Here are comments on the rest of disk one.

Man, It's So Loud in Here

A somber techno-pop tune that channels both 80s new wave bands and the godawful club music of today. To say the humor is dry is to say the Atlantic Ocean is kinda wet.

We're the Replacements

They're not really. But this fannish song says they are.

Why Does the Sun Shine? (The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas) (Live)

One of the band's "educational" tunes. It's a cover version -- the original was on a record of science-themed songs from the 50s or 60s.

Your Racist Friend

Another Flood track, this song frustrates me. While the tune is catchy and the production shiny, the Johns seem to be trying for something profound in the lyrics. It doesn't quite work.

Bangs

Silly, but catchy. The song's narrator enjoys a girl's bangs. As in hair. Bangs. Yeah, I know. It's silly.

Snail Shell

The John Henry album marked a turning point for TMBG, as they recorded as a full rock ensemble for the first time. This really opened up the sound of their songs, and this track is an excellent example.

Twisting

The group tackles a 60s-style surf tune, with lyrics about a dysfunctional relationship.

Another First Kiss

Pure pop perfection. "Another First Kiss" is low-key and tuneful, and it can be swamped by the bizarre concoctions that surround it on this disk. But taken on its own, this is a delightful and apppealing track.

They'll Need a Crane

A repetitive tune, with a surprisingly downbeat message.

The Statue Got Me High

Not much to say about a song like this. It's genuinely surrealistic. The trick to it, and what makes it quintessential TMBG, is that it's sung with the same amount of conviction as "Another First Kiss."

(She Was A) Hotel Detective

An earlier song, showcasing the group's lo-fi roots.

Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head

Do I dare? Can I manage it? Should I actually put my hand inside the puppet head? The Johns want me to. Not sure if I can manage it yet.

I Palindrome I

The disk winds up with this John Henry track. It has the cheerfully evil opening line ("Someday mother will die and I'll get the money") and a catchy, interlocking chorus. A fitting end to a disk meant to showcase their best-known and most appealing songs.

So then

As a committed diarist (that means I keep a diary, you sick-minded people!), I've jotted down the events of my life for the last dozen or so years. I thought I'd reproduce my entry from 10 years ago today. I would have been 14 years old, and a student in grade 8. I apologize for the fact I was so boring. Explanatory notes are in brackets.

January 5th, 1993:

Howdy do there! How are ya? Novel writing was not so prolific today. I simply didn't have the time! Managed to make it to page 92 though [Was working on the first draft of a preteen comedy novel titled How to Put on a School Play and Survive. Work was progressing reasonably quickly at this point].

Gym floor flooded, so classes are in cafeteria.

Gave name for character to Ms. S. Need to change. [Had a large part in the yearly assembly put on by the school's history teacher. She wrote little skits, and put me in the production as the character linking them all together.]

Went to bell choir [practice] tonight, had math homework. Book report due tomorrow. Will write in homeroom. Also day of meeting about show before Channel One. [Was about to start working on a news program about the middle school. The show would be broadcast before the 15-minute educational news program known as Channel One.]

Ah well, time to go. See ya!

Style file

Vocabulary note

Messages of love and grammatical correctness from a twentysomething copy editor.

Icon -- Originally, a religious symbol of one kind or another. It's since also come to mean an emblem or symbol.

Iconoclast -- A person who attacks the established order of things. It can also mean someone who attacks religious images -- or icons. It's east to see how the word attains its current wide usage, generally referring to someone out of the mainstream.

Thus, if someone says a painting or song is iconic, she means that the work of art has come to be symbolic -- representative or an era or a standard. If something is described as iconoclastic, that means its something that goes against the icons of a culture. That "oclast" puts the two words in opposition.

It pained me to hear a radio host refer to a song as being "iconoclastic," the other day. He was speaking about "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," the song by Harold Arlen and Yip Harburg that came to represnt both the movie it came from -- The Wizard of Oz -- and the performer who sang it -- Judy Garland. The song should thus be defined as "iconic."

That's that.

This is ironic

George Lucas recently appeared on an episode of Just Shoot Me.

Thus confirming his coolness.

Gift-tacular goodness

My list:

He-Man toy

My beloved sister got me this. A new, highly detailed version of the '80s classic. I used to have many of these toys. I don't remember them looking this good. Think of the fun I could have had, if these toys somehow fell into a time warp leading into 1985!

New Yorker Page-A-Day calendar

I needed a good daily calendar. Now I have one. Complete with funny and incomprehensible cartoons.

Bound journal

Daily planner and pen

Greenish sweater

My favorite color. On one of my favortie articles of clothing.

Onion collection

Perhaps the coolest gift of all. A boxed set containing the three volumes of humorous news reporting issued by the Onion, the revered satirical newspaper. (See the link to the right of this page for instant gratification of your Onion desires.) Includes Our Dumb Century, Finest News Reporting and Dispatches from the Tenth Circle.

Now I feel kind of guilty I got everyone rather cheap gifts. Perhaps when I'm making real money I can get them something posh. Like a tin of antacid tablets.

Travel poem

This is the color of Kansas in winter.
Muted brown.
Sprawled atop laced grays --
Patches of dull green.

The air slides above
The lumpy squares,
Tracing the movement of the glaciers
That tore away at the land.
They carried off the rock, the points and ridges,
To crush us.

Newspapers don't report
The wilting plots and leathery trees.
Only mad dashes
Made by those inside taped cardboard boxes,
Hiding from the winter colors,

The glacier
Spreads its way
Across the street.

Long haul

Whew.

It's the day that never quit. I've been up since 4:30 a.m. (Not to harp on the time issue, since others doubtless get up then -- my mother, for one -- but it was tough).

I was searched at an air security checkpoint. The guard was very nice, and the lady who searched through my luggage looked at it all with kind incomprehension.

I heard a host on the Delta in-flight radio use the word "iconoclast" to mean "iconic." (This will be a style file entry very soon. Don't you worry).

Picked up the final bit and pieces of my stuff from the former roommate in Lawrence. It was good to see him, but I was with my father on possibly the longest car trip of my life or any other. No joke. We were in the car for six hours plus. This is including the five-hour plane trip. Death to commutes!

Bought a cup of coffee in Henry's, my beloved Lawrence coffeehouse. (Note: Two years ago, I wrote a piece for the University Daily Kansan about the area's coffee hot spots. Henry's won hands-down. The link goes to that article.)

Was not able to see Nathan W., one of my best friends since middle school. I may be able to see another such person tomorrow or the day after, though.

Was able to spend some sustained time at home and show my mother, father and sister an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. They were vastly amused.

And I got cool Christmas stuff. List to come.

Otherwise, I'm really, really tired.

Itinerary

Tomorrow, I will rise at approximately 5 a.m. I will then travel with the significant other to the Tampa airport.

I will then fly (takeoff is approximately 6:45 a.m.) to Dallas, Texas. After switching planes, I will fly into Wichita, Kansas. I'll meet my father there, then drive to Lawrence, Kansas.

In Lawrence, I'll retrieve several boxes of my college belongings from my former roommate. The parental unit and myself will then return home to the family compound in El Dorado, Kansas.

Whew. At which point I will begin to interact with siblings, parents and pets. Whoo hoo. Itenary

Cut-up

A piece made from random phrases from The Professor and the Madman.

Biographical Notes

Assembled by yours truly, from Simon Winchester's text.

The great librarian for the next century-and-a-half was engaged with the Celtic, and am at present engaged with the Slavonic, having obtained a useful knowledge of the Russian.

Heaven had ordained their creation, each word, offering its biography, as it were. It is important to know just when a word was born , the simple fact that they had been sent to him in the first place.

For a while, at least, he seemed truly happier. Had anyone chosen to ponder further, he or she might have wondered at the strange symmetry.

The truth, however, turns out to be the first lines of a brief penciled note that lurks anonymously among the scores of papers that measure out the trivial details of the life.

But Dr. Brawyn said no.

It was those naked village girls Minor remembered most. The volunteer's duties were simple enough. The normal practice was almost certainly followed in his case.

A most splendid thing indeed, in Victorian London.

What's the deal?

I had no idea there were so many varieties of Triscuits, In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "What's the deal?"

I saw reduced fat Triscuits, low sodium Triscuits, garlic flavored Triscuits, garden herb Triscuits, parsley rosemary and thyme Triscuits...

Who needs all of those Triscuits? They're woven crackers. That's it.

On quotes

With that out of the way, on to important matters. From the mind of a twentysomething copy editor, straight to you, it's time for:

Style File -- Quotes

Words such as:

Gonna
Shoulda
Gotta

Should be changed to:

Going to
Should have
Got to

In quoted material. In these cases, people people are speaking in a contracted way, often without knowing it. People don't mean to say "gonna" or "gotta" in sentences such as:

"I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. I gotta do it!"

The copy editor's job isn't to reproduce every person's dialect. I hope that's obvious. If text truly duplicated what people sounded like, it would be difficult to read -- and ludicrous, to boot.

But here comes the tricky part.

What about a work like "ain't"? Take the example:

"I ain't gonna stop doin' dat, even if ya axe me."

How would you revise that? Here's what I would do (provided the reporter decided the entire quote should be included).

"I ain't going to stop doing that, even if you ask me."

Awkward, I know. But "ain't" is a deliberate word choice, and a recognized slangy way of saying "am not" (which has no contracted form anyway).

"I ain't going to stop" is intrinsically better and more honest than "I am not going to stop," which is correcting the speech to the point that the quotation marks should be taken off.

A newspaper shouldn't go out of its way to make people look dumb. It's not as though most writers and editors are smarter.

But sources have to choose their own words. If they say:

"I'm not gonna do nothing"

We shouldn't fix that double negative, or contraction. Those are choices the speaker made in expressing herself.

"I am not going to do anything." No.
Instead: "I'm not going to do nothing."

There's a fine distinction here. One that risks making us look ridiculous. But we also risk making out sources look ridiculous, if they all speak like English aristocrats. We must report the truth, as accurately as we can.

It's crucial.

Howdy

Welcome to a New Year!

Whoo! Whoo!