Returning from his sojourn to parts
abroad, the College Answer Guy returns to answer a couple of questions.
Isn't that nice of him?
Dear College Answer Guy: Could you
write my essay about The Merchant of Venice? I haven’t had time to read
the actual play.
~ Overwhelmed by class work
Dear Over:
The College Answer Guy is delighted to take up your queries. He hasn’t
read The Merchant of Venice either, but that’s not a problem. The College
Answer Guy has produced “A-quality” essays about literary works he didn’t
even know the titles of.
What follows is a hasty attempt to write
your essay. Note that you could flesh out The College Answer Guy’s
skeletal outline to considerable effect in many places. Here
goes:
“The Merchant of Venice is a delightful comedy by William
Faulkner. It is the tale of an old man and a young boy at sea. While they
ride their speedboat named Ishmael, they encounter a giant whale named
Marlin Brando. Marlin wants people to capture him and put him into
captivity because his mother married his uncle after his father was
abducted by aliens that communicated to people through mashed
potatoes.
“In the end, everything turns out okay because Michael
Jackson adopts them all and writes a beautiful song about their
adventures. He called it: ‘I Love Obese, Rancid Fish.’
“Faulkner’s
work is full of marvelous lines that people have quoted for centuries.
Therefore, I don’t have to remind you of any of them except the best known
one: ‘Alas poor Duncan, he was a damn spot!’ The line is redolent of many
important themes of the play, such as poor people, Dunkin Donuts, and
hydroelectric power dams.
“Dunkin Donuts are tasty, nutritious, and
full of the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices. I urge you to try some original
or extra crispy literature today by William Faulkner, or his son Edgar
Allen Shakespeare. It’s good readin’.”
On second thought, The
College Answer Guy doesn’t think you should use this essay. He’s going to
keep it for himself. He might be able to get a teaching position at a
prestigious university with it!
Dear College Answer Guy:
There are so many dictionaries available today. I went to the bookstore
and felt hugely overwhelmed by the choices there. After looking at dozens
of volumes, I had no idea which dictionary to buy. Any advice?~ Max in
Alabama
Dear Max: First off, get a friggin’
grip.
No one is going to invade your house to examine your
dictionaries. Visitors and friends will not make harsh personal judgments
about you because you have a Webster’s New World rather than an American
Heritage. Okay, a few visitors and friends might make harsh judgments
about you because of that, but they’re dorks.
The College Answer
Guy thinks you should buy one dictionary—preferably one with many words,
definitions you can understand and pictures of scantily clad
lexicographers on the cover. If you don’t know what a lexicographer is,
you really do need the dictionary. Get it quick!