... Include shaving with a
sharp, hot razor.
And sniffing correction fluid. But I
digress.
This is the archived edition of a blog kept from Nov. 24, 2002, to
Feb. 29, 2004, by Clay Wirestone.
The original description: "From the overstuffed mind of writer,
editor, cartoonist and crank Clay McCuistion comes a blog full of
-- well -- stuff. And things."
Monday, September 15, 2003
Free Advice
Returning from his sojourn to parts
abroad, the College Answer Guy returns to answer a couple of questions.
Isn't that nice of him?
Dear College Answer Guy: Could you write my essay about The Merchant of Venice? I haven’t had time to read the actual play.
~ Overwhelmed by class work
Dear Over: The College Answer Guy is delighted to take up your queries. He hasn’t read The Merchant of Venice either, but that’s not a problem. The College Answer Guy has produced “A-quality” essays about literary works he didn’t even know the titles of.
What follows is a hasty attempt to write your essay. Note that you could flesh out The College Answer Guy’s skeletal outline to considerable effect in many places. Here goes:
“The Merchant of Venice is a delightful comedy by William Faulkner. It is the tale of an old man and a young boy at sea. While they ride their speedboat named Ishmael, they encounter a giant whale named Marlin Brando. Marlin wants people to capture him and put him into captivity because his mother married his uncle after his father was abducted by aliens that communicated to people through mashed potatoes.
“In the end, everything turns out okay because Michael Jackson adopts them all and writes a beautiful song about their adventures. He called it: ‘I Love Obese, Rancid Fish.’
“Faulkner’s work is full of marvelous lines that people have quoted for centuries. Therefore, I don’t have to remind you of any of them except the best known one: ‘Alas poor Duncan, he was a damn spot!’ The line is redolent of many important themes of the play, such as poor people, Dunkin Donuts, and hydroelectric power dams.
“Dunkin Donuts are tasty, nutritious, and full of the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices. I urge you to try some original or extra crispy literature today by William Faulkner, or his son Edgar Allen Shakespeare. It’s good readin’.”
On second thought, The College Answer Guy doesn’t think you should use this essay. He’s going to keep it for himself. He might be able to get a teaching position at a prestigious university with it!
Dear College Answer Guy: There are so many dictionaries available today. I went to the bookstore and felt hugely overwhelmed by the choices there. After looking at dozens of volumes, I had no idea which dictionary to buy. Any advice?~ Max in Alabama
Dear Max: First off, get a friggin’ grip.
No one is going to invade your house to examine your dictionaries. Visitors and friends will not make harsh personal judgments about you because you have a Webster’s New World rather than an American Heritage. Okay, a few visitors and friends might make harsh judgments about you because of that, but they’re dorks.
The College Answer Guy thinks you should buy one dictionary—preferably one with many words, definitions you can understand and pictures of scantily clad lexicographers on the cover. If you don’t know what a lexicographer is, you really do need the dictionary. Get it quick!
Dear College Answer Guy: Could you write my essay about The Merchant of Venice? I haven’t had time to read the actual play.
~ Overwhelmed by class work
Dear Over: The College Answer Guy is delighted to take up your queries. He hasn’t read The Merchant of Venice either, but that’s not a problem. The College Answer Guy has produced “A-quality” essays about literary works he didn’t even know the titles of.
What follows is a hasty attempt to write your essay. Note that you could flesh out The College Answer Guy’s skeletal outline to considerable effect in many places. Here goes:
“The Merchant of Venice is a delightful comedy by William Faulkner. It is the tale of an old man and a young boy at sea. While they ride their speedboat named Ishmael, they encounter a giant whale named Marlin Brando. Marlin wants people to capture him and put him into captivity because his mother married his uncle after his father was abducted by aliens that communicated to people through mashed potatoes.
“In the end, everything turns out okay because Michael Jackson adopts them all and writes a beautiful song about their adventures. He called it: ‘I Love Obese, Rancid Fish.’
“Faulkner’s work is full of marvelous lines that people have quoted for centuries. Therefore, I don’t have to remind you of any of them except the best known one: ‘Alas poor Duncan, he was a damn spot!’ The line is redolent of many important themes of the play, such as poor people, Dunkin Donuts, and hydroelectric power dams.
“Dunkin Donuts are tasty, nutritious, and full of the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices. I urge you to try some original or extra crispy literature today by William Faulkner, or his son Edgar Allen Shakespeare. It’s good readin’.”
On second thought, The College Answer Guy doesn’t think you should use this essay. He’s going to keep it for himself. He might be able to get a teaching position at a prestigious university with it!
Dear College Answer Guy: There are so many dictionaries available today. I went to the bookstore and felt hugely overwhelmed by the choices there. After looking at dozens of volumes, I had no idea which dictionary to buy. Any advice?~ Max in Alabama
Dear Max: First off, get a friggin’ grip.
No one is going to invade your house to examine your dictionaries. Visitors and friends will not make harsh personal judgments about you because you have a Webster’s New World rather than an American Heritage. Okay, a few visitors and friends might make harsh judgments about you because of that, but they’re dorks.
The College Answer Guy thinks you should buy one dictionary—preferably one with many words, definitions you can understand and pictures of scantily clad lexicographers on the cover. If you don’t know what a lexicographer is, you really do need the dictionary. Get it quick!
What's Happening?
I'm off from work for four
days -- yet the life seems busier than ever. After working on the whole
blogging concept since November, it seems as though people are finally
reading.
Of course, the reading is going on at my auxiliary blogs, which you can sample through the links to the right. This long-running account of my trials and turmoils doesn't interest folks.
Darn them! Darn them all to heck!
This doesn't count anyone who's actually reading right now, of course. You are the best, finest, and most hygienic folk the world has ever known.
Of course, the reading is going on at my auxiliary blogs, which you can sample through the links to the right. This long-running account of my trials and turmoils doesn't interest folks.
Darn them! Darn them all to heck!
This doesn't count anyone who's actually reading right now, of course. You are the best, finest, and most hygienic folk the world has ever known.
Friday, September 12, 2003
Passing By
Johnny Cash died early this
morning.
"We are here to drink beer. We are here to
kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and
live our lives so well that death will tremble
to take us."
-- Charles Bukowski
"We are here to drink beer. We are here to
kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and
live our lives so well that death will tremble
to take us."
-- Charles Bukowski
Meet the Neighbors
When I walk the dog, I keep
to myself. I bring a book or the newspaper or my thoughts. I concentrate
on one of those items and try to keep Tundra from racing off and disemboweling woodland creatures.
The s.o., on the other hand, has an inexhaustible appetite for merry adventures, which he shares when he returns with the walked dog.
"Tundra was so excited," he says. "She got to meet Princess Muffin, who is owned by Ebenezer, who lives in a building down the way. Ebenezer is studying dentistry! Then I took the dog to the other side of the complex, and she ran across Conan the Lab, who is owned by this cool guy named Vaclav. And he said --"
And so on.
While I'm glad Max gets to have such a good time, it makes me feel like a recluse. At least I will always have my blog entries. They will always talk to me. They will always be my friends. Ah. That's better.
The s.o., on the other hand, has an inexhaustible appetite for merry adventures, which he shares when he returns with the walked dog.
"Tundra was so excited," he says. "She got to meet Princess Muffin, who is owned by Ebenezer, who lives in a building down the way. Ebenezer is studying dentistry! Then I took the dog to the other side of the complex, and she ran across Conan the Lab, who is owned by this cool guy named Vaclav. And he said --"
And so on.
While I'm glad Max gets to have such a good time, it makes me feel like a recluse. At least I will always have my blog entries. They will always talk to me. They will always be my friends. Ah. That's better.
What I'm Playing...
Blast Corps, a devilishly
addictive little game that came out for the Nintendo 64 in 1997 from a
developer called Rareware.
What's it about? Who cares. It involves a lot of driving around and blowing stuff up. Thus, it's cool.
What's it about? Who cares. It involves a lot of driving around and blowing stuff up. Thus, it's cool.
Monday, September 8, 2003
Rumsfeld Poetry
Inspired by the cute
little book available everywhere, here's my stab at turning some of
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's words into verse. It's from a New York Times story published
today.
Debate and Discussion
I. Opening Words
There should be
A debate and discussion
On these things.
We can live with that.
We can live with a healthy debate
As long as it is as elevated as possible,
And as civil as possible.
II. But --
To the extent that terrorists
Are given reason to believe
He might,
Or, if he is not going to,
That the opponents might prevail
In some way,
And they take heart in that,
And that leads to more money going into these activities,
Or that leads to more recruits,
Or that leads to more encouragement,
Or that leads to more staying power,
Obviously that does make our task more difficult.
Debate and Discussion
I. Opening Words
There should be
A debate and discussion
On these things.
We can live with that.
We can live with a healthy debate
As long as it is as elevated as possible,
And as civil as possible.
II. But --
To the extent that terrorists
Are given reason to believe
He might,
Or, if he is not going to,
That the opponents might prevail
In some way,
And they take heart in that,
And that leads to more money going into these activities,
Or that leads to more recruits,
Or that leads to more encouragement,
Or that leads to more staying power,
Obviously that does make our task more difficult.
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